Alone In The Abyss With My Depression

'For Thou Wilt light my candle: the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.' Ps. 18:28

At some point in life many people find themselves in situations where the darkness overwhelms them. This is called depression, which can be very serious, whether we are depressed by the ending of a relationship, a death, the sickness of a loved one, from physical abuse, or even from the loss of our home or our livelihood. The list of possible causes for depression is endless, yet the end results can become permanently damaging or life threatening no matter what the cause might be. I, for one, am familiar with the symptoms of depression. My depression resulted from years of physical, emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of an alcoholic husband. My depression is no more or less important than yours, or any other person's depression. Depression, if not attended to, can have dire consequences.

Serious Depression should not be taken lightly. It should be monitored at all times. It is a treatable illness, if attended to properly and if it's caught early enough. People who are depressed suffer feelings of loneliness, sadness, grief, and, sometimes when things seem the worst, suicidal thoughts. Mental depression is not racist, sexist, nor does it single out anyone with any particular religious beliefs, it can consume us all if we allow it to. What happens to each and every one of us does matter. More importantly, how we recognize and respond to what happens to us says everything about who we are. It takes time and effort to escape the seemingly unbreakable clutches of depression.

There are several options when it comes to finding help when dealing with depression. There's religion, there's psychotherapy, and there's the holistic way, utilizing the power of positive thinking. If you need help, you can read my three-part article, published here, titled 'How To Keep One Step Ahead Of Mental Depression, Parts 1-3'. It may be helpful, and I truly hope it is. If not, I have written this poem about my fight with depression. Sometimes it helps a lot just to get things off of your chest. Sometimes it helps to simply understand that you are not alone, that others get depressed and feel pain like you. Sometimes reading or writing a poem like this is cathartic, which helps you shed the pain. And sometimes, you just need a hug from a friend who understands your grief. Consider this my hug. I hope you enjoy.

In the darkness of my sleepless night,

I am alone.

I toss and turn as peaceful sleep eludes me,

I am alone.

I lay in bed, eyes wide open.

I am so alone...

Staring at the ceiling,

Hands clutching sheets,

I am exhausted and drained

As tears sting my eyes.

I am silent, screaming with rage inside.

I try to hide sorrow, covering sadness with smiles and laughter.

My thoughts and emotions are safely locked away

So that no one will ever be able to see them.

I can't do anything to make the pain stop,

It consumes me fully, smothers me with darkness.

Why should I scream when no one is listening anyway?

I can't explain what I am feeling, especially when I am alone.

Life is a constant struggle,

Insurmountable walls built of problems,

A daily battle I must fight to survive.

I wish for better days ahead, anything but

Loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

They are a plague, a shadow I cannot shake.

Pain steals all the light from my life,

I have no desire to get out of this bed, my prison.

I can't enjoy the things I used to love

I am trapped in this darkened tomb,

Devoid of self-esteem, I use self-pity as covers

Shame as a pillow to cry on.

In the darkness of my sleepless night,

I am alone.

I toss and turn as peaceful sleep eludes me,

I am alone.

I lay in bed, eyes wide open.

I am so alone...

I am slowly sinking once again,

Into this abyss of depression

Feelings of helplessness smother me

As a shroud, they bury me.

Pain is quicksand that sucks me down.

Alone, I would yell for help but no one would hear.

Intrusive troubling thoughts,

Tear my world apart, imprisoning my mind.

They have become treacherous companions,

That mock my loneliness...

I am engulfed in sadness and sorrow

That squeezes the air from my lungs.

Suffocating, I am unable to breathe

Trapped in this abyss, I scream out loud for help,

But no one is there to respond.

There is no one listening at all,

For I am alone, completely alone...

Silence haunts me, except for the beating of my heart.

In the darkness of my sleepless night,

I am alone.

I toss and turn as peaceful sleep eludes me,

I am alone.

I lay in bed, eyes wide open.

I am so alone...

The rising sun and warmth seems so far away.

Will the dawn ever come again?

Hope is an empty dream lost to the endless night.

Will I ever find my way home?

If only there were light and comfort.

Will I ever be happy again?

Suddenly a match ignites and burns the darkness,

I see the light and it seems beautiful.

Light and warmth begin to flow from every corner

I follow the light and let it lead the way

Entranced by the magic of the flickering flame

That dances so brightly just for me.

Shadows charge across the wall in the candlelight.

The flame burns brighter and stronger.

What is this Aura that appears brighter than the sun?

A voice whispers, 'follow me, it will be okay'.

It beckons me to come closer and lifts my face to the heavens

And now I am in the stillness of His revitalizing presence.

The glowing brightness melts the gloom

Revitalizing every cell of my entire being.

I embrace a whole new meaning, awakening from my wintery dream

Breaking free of my prison bed,

My soul floods with joy, as I have

Reached a higher level of spiritual enlightenment.

Oh how peaceful that one exhilarating moment.

Strangely I am now composed and calm,

No longer tormented by fear

I know the hope exists because,

the Lord is my light and my salvation

My spirit has finally found a true bed where I can rest.

In the darkness of my sleepless night,

I am not alone.

I relax and let peaceful sleep envelope me,

I am not alone.

I lay in bed, eyes wide open, and I see the truth and the light,

I am never alone...

'No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.' -Barbara de Angelis.